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F*** Campbell's Soup

Updated: Jun 15, 2022

Seriously, who the hell makes these cans?

TL;DR: Hear this grievance instead!


In the spirit of Festivus, I'd like to air out a grievance. Against Campbell's. Just 'cause they were the first company that came to mind whilst I fought like a Spartan to release my sink of the inevitable rotting food smell that would form from abandoning the fight before me.

Ok. I have a rant. It may be short. Ranting + wine do not go well together, or go supremely well together. I'll let you decide. Once upon a time, someone invented the can. According to CanCentral.com (They exist. I know, I was amazed, too.) :

The can's distinguished history began in 1795 when the French government, led by Napoleon, offered a prize of 12,000 francs to anyone who could invent a method of preserving food for its army and navy.

Alright. That is pretty cool. Talk about a starting point in history. That said, someone tell me: WHY THE F*** HAS THE CAN NOT EVOLVED BEYOND THE NORMAL CYLINDRICAL SHAPE WE'VE COME TO KNOW? Hear me out. With the coming of the kitchen sink came a problem with the can. A problem you may have never thought of, and the industry sure as hell didn't think of. Should you have the misfortune of dropping the top in the sink after opening your can (don't judge), you may find yourself with quite a conundrum if you're like us and let a few things pile up before washing:

The Kitchen Sink: A Perfect Enemy

Look at your sink. At minimum, that drain tapers down not one, not two, but to THREE different diameters. You know what fits in those perfectly snug in that spawn of Satan of a drain? That damn top piece of your can. Sure sure. I can hear you already;

But Nat, why the hell are you putting empty cans in the sink to begin with?

We wash stuff before sending it off to recycling, like good humans do, you know, sending it to a foreign country, causing more pollution that solution. #Greta I can not explain the euphoric feeling while fighting with a butter knife to try and you carefully slip that little fucker out of the drain. It's just like using Q-tips to clean your ears. #Eargasm

The Solution

The oval. Why have we not evolved the can? Why haven't we thought of something that doesn't block a sink like a pressure cooker? So there you have it. My grievance this Festivus. Seriously, I need to reinvent the can. #Festivus #CampbellsSoup #Cans #WhyThough P.S.: Apparently, my sink is unusual. So now I have a new grievance, against the engineer that thought of this. I'm coming for you. Love my rants? Want access to the more cuss-filled raging rants that come around? Subscribe today for a measly 99 cents a month!

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Meh. Stuff.